The Illusion of Certainty

Experts will study the longterm physical and mental effects of the pandemic for years to come. And each one of us will walk away from this year with our own unique combination of perceptions, experiences, callouses, hurts, and lessons. I’ve been collecting mine along the way, and today, I’m focusing on one truth that has emerged from the pandemic: the deep uncertainty that has been made abundantly apparent over the last nine months is the very thing that inspires necessary change, fuels creativity, and fosters compassion.

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The Reverence Trap

I’m guilty of that trap we singers tend to fall into, which is believing that what we do is sacred and untouchable. I’ve been gifted with the ability to spin melodies out of nothingness using only the flesh and muscle I was born with, and this gift is fragile and must be treated with the utmost reverence.

This is bullshit. And it’s selfish. It displaces the onus of responsibility for the work, making “the voice” responsible for the magic, rather than the self.

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The 50th Pandemigram

Today, I recorded and sent the 49th Pandemigram. To date, people who have requested Pandemigrams have donated a total of $5,741 to 32 different organizations. (It is completely optional for requesters to report their donation amount and/or recipient to me, so these numbers only take into account those who have opted to inform me of their donation. And this isn’t counting those who have chosen to contribute through an act of kindness instead of a monetary donation—these are, of course, immeasurable.)

My plan is to keep this project going as long as the COVID-19 shutdowns and stay-at-home orders are in place. So my question is…

Who will receive the 50th Pandemigram?

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Wisdom from the "Old Bald Guy"

In Sanford’s memory, and from a deep place of gratitude, I want to share a few of the innumerable nuggets of “the old bald guy’s wisdom” (as he would jokingly refer to the advice he’d give to his students) throughout the very brief three years in which I had the privilege and joy of working with him. I went back through emails from him, as well as notes I’d taken from our weekly Voice Classes at Tanglewood last summer, and put together this little list.

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Discipline of Creating

As a perfectionist who struggles daily with a fear of failure, the messiness of creative work is daunting to me. I experience a lot of internal resistance when it comes to developing new work, because there’s no right answer. There’s no certainty of success. There are no to-do lists to complete, because the work is never truly complete.

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Spending in the New Year

This got me thinking about my penny-pinching ways. I realized that, while saving a little each month and avoiding excessive spending are very good habits, the level to which I maintain frugality goes beyond healthy saving habits and into an unhealthy need for control. My reluctance to spend money on things that are actually important reflects a fear of uncertainty and a desire to have all the cards in my hand before making any major decisions.

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Hibernating

It’s been a long year. There’s been so much anger and hurt in the world. Feelings of certainty and security are in short supply across the board.

To push through this and force myself to hustle would be to spiral toward burnout in the new year. Instead, as Jen Waldman puts so beautifully in her blog, I want to sit back, be still, and contemplate how I can contribute in the new year. I want to look back at 2018 and assess not only what I’m grateful for, but also what I did to contribute to others’ wellbeing, as well as how I could have contributed more.

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Saying No

Realistically speaking, as a young artist living in NYC, of course I can’t completely cut out ALL of my to-dos that do not provide 100% artistic satisfaction. But by intentionally evaluating my activities on a regular basis, I can at least become more aware of the value of my to-do list—as well as the cost of maintaining it when it grows too long.

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